My Past, My future, My Love
by Melusina's Descendant
Summary: Destiny has been fulfilled and Albion is at peace, but Merlin is having these strange dreams that could be something more. Will Arthur be able to help Merlin this time around? Fem!Merlin/OC, Athur/Gwen. Summary sucks but I promise the story is good.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

* * *

It was a cold night, the moon was at its highest in the sky filling the earth with light, illuminating two lonely cloaked figures huddled together in the darkest side of the forest. They laid there unmoving and not even uttering a word leaving the wind to howl their sorrow.

"I'm sorry" , one of them said, a young woman, as she cuddled closer to the one next to her. "I wish it didn't have to be like this."

Weakly she raised her hand, and caressed her partner's face, partially removing the cloak to reveal a young man. His face showed no emotions, but his black eyes betrayed him. Two endless pools of dark sorrow and anger met her own blue eyes.

Sighing he pressed his forehead to hers, "we could run, hide our presence."

"You know it would be all for nothing, it's my destiny. I can't escape it, no matter how much we try to fight it." Closing her eyes she whispered, "please hold me, I want to be close to you until the sun rises."

A pair of strong arms held her tightly against him, his pale cheek pressed against her forehead. "Wherever you go or whatever it is that you are destined to do, I will find you."

No more words were spoken the rest of the night. He opened his eyes to find himself alone, her presence was gone from the earth. Slowly he walked out of the forest to welcome the rising sun of a new day.

"I will always find you." 

* * *

**AN: I apologize for any grammatical errors but English is not my first language so I'm still learning. The beginning might be a little confusing but I promise all questions will be answered in the future chapters.**

**I'll give a cookie for whoever guesses where I got the last sentence from**


	2. A King's Worry

**Chapter 1**

**A King's Worry**

* * *

Arthur considered himself to be a strong warrior, brave in the face of danger and a powerful King. He had proven this many times to his kingdom and to himself, in various occasions . There was no man who didn't know of his victories, and no man who didn't admire him. So one would think that after many battles and life-or-death situations, this great King would be courageous enough to talk to a young woman about her troubles.

Well, they would be wrong.

For this isn't just any woman, this is his Court Sorceress, his most important friend, his sister in all but blood, Merlin. And only God knows that type of problems that have been bothering her as of late. For all his virtues, King Arthur is not the most observant, some people (a.k.a. Merlin) would say he is downright dense when it comes to feelings; and while he had always denied it, he is now thinking that she might have been right all along.

In his defense he had been too busy running a kingdom to notice anything different in his ex-servant. Camelot was finally at peace, his friendships with the neighboring kingdoms were as strong as ever, and after such a long time the ban on magic had been lifted. All of which wouldn't have happened without the raven-haired girl; after she had revealed her magic to him and saved his life (for the hundredth time) at the lake of Avalon, he had put everything he knew into perspective. Merlin never once left his side, not saying a word unless asked, she gave him the space and time he needed so he could decide if her fate was to live or burn at the stake.

Of course, he forgave her every lie, how could he not? Everything she had secretly done for him, all the sacrifices she had to endure to guide him to this point, was all so very humbling. He had asked her forgiveness for all the times he had unknowingly hurt her with his words or his actions. Lifting the ban on magic had been easy, but only when he appointed Merlin as his Court Sorceress did the magic users lose their fear and came forth. So with all of this going on, who could blame him for not paying attention to the deterioration of Merlin's health?

It's not like she was fatally ill, but there were dark circles under her eyes, a clear sign that she wasn't getting enough sleep. And surely the stress of her new title probably wasn't helping; he had casually voiced his concerns with Gwen, hoping that she would talk to Merlin and figure out what was going on. But his dear wife had insisted he do it and show Merlin that he was there for her.

So there he was in the royal gardens, trying to figure out the best way to approach the situation. His thoughts brought to a halting stop when he spotted the thin figure of Merlin sitting by the shade of a large tree, and by the looks of it she was in deep sleep.

Thinking that he would let her rest (he was totally not stalling), Arthur turned to leave when suddenly time stopped. The air had stopped moving, the water from the fountain was frozen in place and all Arthur could do was stare as the flowers surrounding him withered and a frozen wind started picking up, chilling his body to a trembling point. Quickly he turned to a restless Merlin, her hands clenching and unclenching while short gasps were coming from her mouth.

Not knowing what else to do, Arthur grabbed on to her shoulders and started screaming, "Merlin! Wake up!"

After what seemed like hours, Merlin woke up, her eyes blazing gold and frantic. Slowly her magic seemed to calm down with her and their cold surroundings became once again a bright sunny day.

"Merlin, what happened?"

Taking deep breaths, Merlin muttered, "just a dream, that's all it was."

Knowing that was not all there was, Arthur's initial concern grew to monumental levels. "Just a dream? Merlin, you lost control of your magic! In your sleep!"

"Arthur it's fine, it's not a big deal" she said, looking everywhere but him.

"This has happened before hasn't it?" Silence confirmed his suspicions, "how long has this been happening Merlin? What are these dreams?"

Running a hand through her hair, Merlin sighed "it started a few weeks ago; it wasn't anything at first just random flashes, then they became more vivid. I tried everything to get rid of them, but nothing works. I'm lucky if I get a good rest once in a while, but I haven't had a proper sleep in weeks. As for the dreams, I can barely remember them once I wake up."

Taking a good look, Arthur finally noticed how exhausted his friend was. She looked like she would collapse at any moment, and there was nothing he could do to help her, it was a feeling he did not enjoy.

"I'll take you to your rooms, maybe you can have a good sleep this time." Merlin looked doubtfully at Arthur, but gave up far too tired to put up a fight. Once they were inside her room, Arthur tucked her in bed and closed off all the curtains so that nothing can bother her. "I'll let your servants know not to disturb you, you sleep as long as you need to."

She didn't hear a single word, as sleep had already claimed her.

* * *

**AN: Sorry for the wait, I just couldn't think of a way to start the story, and I hope this chapter came out alright. I promise I will update sooner next time. **

**The story starts about a year after the end of Season 5, Morgana is dead, and Gwaine is alive because I just love him and couldn't imagine my story without him in it. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin!**


	3. Memories of a Distant Past

**Chapter 2**

**Memories of a Distant Past**

* * *

_It was too late. She knew it, she could feel it. Nevertheless, her pace quickened hoping, praying for a miracle. Running at the same speed as she was, her traveling companion tightened his grip on the blade by his side._

"_We won't make it in time Emrys," her companion said. "You know what awaits us, even we can't change this outcome."_

_Biting her lip, she took a deep breath and composed herself. "I will not abandon them Iorek, even if it is just one person, I will be there for them". Receiving no answer she turned towards her companion, anxiety was present in his face, along with something she couldn't name. _

"_Very well," he said. No more words were spoken, as their eyes shone gold and their pace increased to their destination._

* * *

_The city of Lodet, currently celebrating their harvest festival, Samhein. A day where not only successful crops are collected and stored for the winter, but also a day where most children awaken to their magical abilities. All of them patiently await for the full moon to rise and the ceremony can begin, hosted by their protectors._

_But no one expected this to be the last day the people of Lodet will see the morning sun. The children would not have their special day, and their hard earned harvest would be coated in blood._

_There was no happiness, nor any celebration that day. Instead of laughter, there were screams and wails. _

_Then silence._

* * *

_The city was quiet when they finally arrived at the scene. Both man and woman scanned their surroundings, hope diminishing with every corpse they could count. Smoke filled their lungs, but they kept moving; fire lapped at their legs, but it didn't stop them from looking for anyone lucky enough to have survived the massacre._

"_How could this have happened?" Emrys whispered. "They were under our protection, they should have been safe!"_

_Not wasting any time, Iorek's eyes flashed gold and immediately the raging fire faded leaving behind trails of black smoke. The once beautiful town was now ruins, its people was charred to the bone or mangled in the most horrific ways. Of those that the fire hadn't touched, their faces were twisted in pain and fear, their aggressor had tortured them before showing a semblance f mercy._

_Emrys' eyes clouded with tears when she saw little bodies huddled together under what used to be a nursery, she had known these children. She had often played with them and sung to them, most of the children had presented her with flowers before showing her how far they had gone with their magical studies. Fighting back sobs, she joined Iorek in looking for any survivors._

"_H-Help", they heard a small whisper. Frantically they searched among the rubble and found a little boy, no older than five summers, fighting to remain conscious. _

"_Daniel!" Iorek recognized the boy quickly and gave room for Emrys to collect him. She set herself on the ground and gently cradled him in her arms, and it took all she had not to let out a cry._

_There was no bone in his body that wasn't broken, the damage was far too much for him to survive. He was at death's door. Her eyes glowed gold and the boy gave a relieved sigh, the least she could do was give him a painless passing._

"_Milady? You came," he muttered. Looking at the grim faced man, he gave him a small smile. "And you brought Lord Iorek too."_

"_Of course I did, I promised you a dance at the ceremony. And I never break my promises." Brushing some soot off his face, she gave him a smile. "What happened here Daniel?"_

_Daniel closed his eyes, a few tears falling down his face, "an army of soldiers Milady. They started attacking us before sunset, they went for me and the other kids first but the grown-ups told us to run while they held them off. I left them while they were running and went home to warn my mama, but there was a man in there already. She told me to run, but I fought him the way you taught me Lord Iorek."_

_Next to her, Iorek gave him a proud smile and gently rubbed Daniel's head. "You were very brave"._

"_Is mama ok? Did I save her?" _

_Emrys gave Iorek a pleading look, before he replied "yes, she is just fine. She's very proud of you."_

_The boy looked at the clear sky, eyes going in and out of focus. "I'm tired. Will you sing me to sleep?"_

_Gathering the child closer to her, she started singing an old lullaby. She thought of all the townspeople who now laid dead at her feet, of all the young children whose lives were cut short in the most horrific way. The people they were sent to protect, the ones that looked up to them for guidance were dead. _

_Iorek was right, they were too late. They had failed. _

_She finished her song, her voice fading with the wind. Looking down at the child in her arms, she kissed his forehead and set him down on the ground, his heart had already stopped beating._

"_Dammit all!" Iorek screamed. Running his hands through his face he paced around her trying to understand what had happened. "What happened Emrys?"_

_Vigorously shaking her head she replied, "I don't know! This wasn't supposed to happen! These people were destined for a happy, peaceful life. I saw it! Everything was fine until now, something happened that changed their future."_

"_Did you have a vision?"_

"_I didn't see the past nor did I see the future. It was the present that was shown to me, that's when I knew something was wrong." Tears pooled in her eyes, but she blinked them away, "we failed them Iorek! All the magic in the world and we failed."_

_Her voice had broken at the last word, the last shred of self control was gone and with an anguished cry she let her tears flow freely down her face. Swiftly, Iorek sat next to her and without a word he took her in his arms, as he let her grieve for the both of them._

_Tears and sobs welcomed the full moon, as it shone brightly upon the ashes of Lodet._

* * *

**AN: No excuses, for my tardiness. But I hope this chapter will make up for it.**


	4. Fears

**Chapter 3**

**Fears**

* * *

"Something must be done", Merlin thought.

So far her day, hasn't been the brightest nor the most common, and for her that is saying a lot. Her dreams have now become more vivid, and with each one she could feel her magic spinning out of her control.

She had already seen what her magic did while she wasn't conscious, the first few times were harmless enough with only a couple of floating objects that immediately fell to the floor as soon as she awoke. But now she was worried, subtly her magic had quickly spiraled out of her control when her body was at its most vulnerable; she feared sleep for the dreams that plagued her and for she knew her arduously earned grasp on her powers would slip away as if she never had it in the first place.

Gaius, bless him, could only try to make her sleep tonics in the hope that she would have a dreamless sleep, but her magic seemed to cancel out the effects of the potion.

All her dreams, had just been that, figments of her imagination that disappeared moments before she opened her eyes leaving her with intense feelings that she couldn't place.

Except for today.

Today she remembered. Today she had been far away in the ruins of what looked like to be a city, but what she had felt was home. She had felt the despair and anger that her dream-self had felt, she had cradled that boy in her arms and it was her voice that the wind carried as she honored those she had failed to protect. Overwhelming grief had consumed her completely and her magic had responded just as fervently.

Her chambers were destroyed.

Bookshelves and had been cut in half, her documents and books all ripped to shreds, even her own clothing had taken flight for it was strewn all over the room.

"Celeste will have a very busy day," she mused thinking about her maidservant. Running trembling fingers through her face, she felt moisture on her cheeks. Quickly she got up and took a good look at her reflection in the mirror, what she saw there left her breathless; her nose was red, her usual shiny black hair was now dull and limp her face was swollen and blotchy, but what caught her attention were her eyes.

A pair of bright golden eyes looked back at her. Slowly she lifted a finger to her right eye, looking as her reflection copied her movements. Carefully she felt around her eye, she didn't feel the usual burning when they turned gold so she was fairly certain that her eyes were their natural blue color. Then as if sensing her confusion, her reflection raised her right hand and pointed at her and then at herself.

"What-" Merlin was cut off when her double smiled and her eyes glowed gold, and she saw how the destruction zone that was her room magically restored itself. In a matter of seconds it was back to normal, leaving a wide-eyed Merlin looking around in confusion.

"But I am awake, why?"

Turning to the mirror for answers she was shocked to see her own panicked face. The vision was gone, and for the first time since she was an untrained little girl, Merlin felt something that she thought had outgrown.

Fear of her powers.

* * *

"So is Merlin doing better after your talk yesterday?"

Arthur froze, fork midway to his mouth. He knew Gwen was going to ask about the subject soon, but he didn't expect her to do it during lunch, "uh of course, we had a very long discussion and now everything is fine."

Gwen looked him straight in the eye, "you didn't talk to her did you?"

"No I did not," said Arthur while putting his head down hiding his grimace. He should have known that his wife could see right through his lie, hell the only other woman in his life capable of doing so was Merlin herself.

"Arthur, why do you hesitate? Merlin is your best friend, you shouldn't feel this awkward around her."

"I know that it's just-" Arthur rubbed his face roughly, appetite lost. "I was ready to talk to her yesterday, I thought I knew what the problem was. I practiced in my head exactly what I was going to say to her, and when I found her I realized that I was wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"Her magic ran wild yesterday while she was asleep, maybe it was due to the dreams she was having because she looked pained and her magic manifested itself by changing the atmosphere of her surroundings. I didn't even know her nightmares were so bad that it was causing this to happen, but Merlin did and she didn't tell me."

"Maybe she didn't tell you, because she knew you'd worry. I'm sure that she will confide in you completely when she is ready" Gwen said while putting a comforting hand on top of her husband's.

Arthur replied with a small smile, he knew she was right of course. Merlin wasn't one person to openly tell everyone about her problems, a habit she was still trying to break after years of secrets. Hopefully she would see that she can always count on him the same way he had counted on her throughout his life.

Suddenly the doors to his room swung open, one of them flying off its hinges, startling the couple. Quickly, Arthur was on his feet, sword drawn and standing defensively in front of Gwen, while the latter had a hand over her heart as if trying to calm her rapid beating.

"Sorry! I'm so sorry, I didn't- it wasn't meant to be this forceful!" A frantic looking Merlin, busted through the ruined doors, her hair was windblown and her face paler than usual. Looking at the broken doors, she let out a whimper and a sob that she quickly tried to hide.

After the initial shock had passed, Arthur's gaze centered on the girl in front of him. "Merlin what is going on?! You destroyed my doors, scared us half to death and-" he averted his eyes from her, a blush making its way to his face. "You're not decent to be in the presence of others yet, cover yourself for goodness' sake!"

Gwen was the second to notice the state of her friend, Merlin stood in front of them in a very thin nightgown that had been torn in some places, half of her right shoulder was bare and there was a long slit that cut her left side all the way to her hip. When Merlin didn't take any action, Gwen quickly grabbed one of the blankets from their bed and covered her with it, concern growing when she noticed how badly Merlin was shaking.

"I have to leave Arthur, I must leave right now. I don't need to be asleep anymore! While I'm awake it happens too, need to leave."

Looking more confused than ever in his life, Arthur sputtered "what are you talking about Merlin? What do you mean you are leaving? Have you gone mad?!"

"Yes, maybe you are right. I have gone crazy. Losing my sanity has made me lose control, that's probably it." Giving a pleading look to the man in front of her she asked him, "am I crazy Arthur?"

In all the years he had known her, he had never seen Merlin in such a state. Whatever it was that was hurting his friend, needed to be taken care of now.

"You are not leaving Camelot, Merlin. You are the Court Sorceress, we need you here and you know it. But-" he added quickly once he saw her opening her mouth to argue, "I can obviously see that whatever has come upon you, it's taking a toll on both your physical and mental health. Since it is magic related, I say we ask the druids on anything they know. We'll ride tomorrow at dawn, for now do try to rest a bit. It won't do for the druids to see the mighty Emrys in this sorry state."

Given their history, Arthur was surprised when Merlin meekly nodded and let Gwen guide her back to her rooms. He had been such a fool! If only he had spoken to her earlier maybe they could have found a cure by now, or at least have an idea of what they were dealing with. His best friend was suffering from only God knows what and he was just sitting around hoping for it to just go away, counting on her to able to resolve it herself without noticing that she was begging for help.

"Sire! We heard a terrible noise! Are you alright?"

Looking up he noticed Leon and Gwaine at the entrance to his rooms, or at the remains of the carefully designed oak double doors.

"What the hell happened here? Were you attacked?" asked Leon, his eyes looking over at his king, making sure he was unharmed.

Shaking his head Arthur sighed, "I wasn't attacked, it was Merlin."

Two sets of wide eyes looked at him and then at the debris, then Gwaine threw his head back and laughed.

"Well hell Princess! What did you do to her! Must have been something really bad."

"Honestly Arthur, you should know better!" Leon chastised a dumbfounded king, while trying to hide a little smile.

"She lost control of her magic, and this is the result. It wasn't the first time it has happened." Arthur replied.

Immediately both knights sobered up, all traces of humor gone. Gwaine was the first to break the silence.

"What do you mean it's not the first time it happens?"

Sighing for the hundredth time, Arthur explained the happenings of the past weeks. The knights' faces growing more worried by the second, while fear for their friend was evident in their eyes.

"Tomorrow we are paying a visit to the druids, they may have some knowledge as to how to help her. Let the others know and be ready, we will leave at dawn."

Leon shook off the shock and nodded. Both him and Gwaine left the royal quarters and began to prepare for the travel.

As soon as he was alone, Arthur started to slowly clean up the chambers, mostly to keep himself busy. Of course his cleaning skills were extremely lacking, and when Guineviere returned to their chambers, she found the place just as messy as before.

"Merlin is asleep" she said, bringing Arthur out of the many thoughts consuming his mind.

"How was she?"

Gwen shrugged, "it was hard to keep her calm. She was afraid to be left alone, she kept saying that she 'had no control' and that she should be locked away. Gaius had to give her a strong sedative to get her to sleep, unfortunately they can't keep her dreams away but hopefully she's sedated enough that her magic can be subdued. At least so that she won't harm herself."

Arthur grimaced at the news. They were now treating her like a raving lunatic that needed to be kept drugged and locked up; he put his head on his hands and let out a long breath.

"How did we get to this point? I don't understand how the situation has gone so out of control so quickly! She was fine a few months ago, and now we are drugging her like she's mad?"

"Arthur, please calm down" Gwen tried to soothe her husband but he angrily swatted away her hands.

"No! It's not fair Guinevere! After everything she's done, everything she's been through, she doesn't deserve to be treated like this!" He yelled, he could feel his face burning out of anger and he knew that he needed to calm down but he just couldn't.

In a quick and swift motion, Gwen took both his hands firmly and looked him in the eye. "I know Arthur! I know Merlin doesn't deserve this and I know how badly it hurts to see her like this, I am her friend too!" Seeing that he had somewhat relaxed, she continued "Merlin has always been there for you, through thick and thin she remained strong because you needed her there whether you realized it or not. Now it's your turn Arthur, be the strength she needs."

She was right, he knew she was right. For the first time, he was needed as Emrys' strength, he could feel in his soul that his other half was in danger. And he would do everything to save her.

* * *

_There was blood everywhere, rivers and rivers of it staining her boots. She walked slowly as the mutilated corpses increased in number. Eyeless bodies gazed at her, their faces showing nothing else but raw fear. _

_It was too much to bear._

_Closing her eyes, she could hear the voices of the dead screaming at her, begging, and blaming her. It was at the end of the road that she stopped cold. She knew what she would find, but her mind couldn't allow her to open her eyes not only to the scene before her, but also to the truth. It would break her heart._

_Slowly she opened her eyes, and gazed at the embers of what once was a giant bonfire. She let a trembling hand hover around the ashes, for a few moments and felt the magic surround the remains._

_Screams, sobs and pleads attacked her ears. They had been alive when the fire started, children and babies burned to death unable to leave the bonfire. _

"_Emrys", a voice called. _

_She didn't know when the tears had started to pour freely from her eyes, or when her legs had given out under her. But she couldn't raise her head to look at the murderer in the face._

"_Why?" she asked, "Was this the revenge you seek? To murder the innocent?"_

_Cold laughter was his reply, "Revenge? This was a warning to all the others to let them know that we are a force to be respected and feared. No one will dare go against us. We are superior to them, we always were, and it is time they understood."  
_

_It was then that Emrys looked up, "Iorek, please". Her most faithful companion was covered in blood, his eyes cold and murderous with a mocking smile placed on his face._

"_I made you a promise Emrys, and I always keep my promises."_


End file.
